Not to sound trite or elderly, but how 'bout this weather?
I shave my legs for spring, but the hair rushes back to the follicles before I make it outside, a form of self-preserving padding in anticipation of the impending blizzard. My dark winter wools are forced to co-mingle with my white cottons. And my skin, following Colorado's schizophrenic lead, is simultaneously dry, chapped, oily and broken out, but only in one quarter-sized patch.
Then there is the man. Oh, the man.
As if putting together a quasi-matching outfit is not challenging enough for the retrosexual male, my boyfriend has become straight-up neurotic.
The first thing he does in the morning is text Google to check the weather. Then he argues with it. After his fight with his cell-phone screen, he must walk around the block with his finger in the air, checking the wind. On mid-April blizzard days, he checks with his middle finger before settling on his one of two outfit possibilities: jeans or shorts. Then he has to ask my permission: "Can I wear this?" This is man-speak for, "Help. Me. I am scared."
This week, Colorado has graced us with summer. So far. And this unexpected sun has transformed my boyfriend into the Phantom of the Opera. The right side of his face is white. The left side -- the driver's-side-window side -- is lobster red, topped off with a one-armed farmer's glow and a literal red neck.
So now he is pained between wearing a T-shirt and compounding his fry lines or wearing a sleeveless shirt and looking, in his earnestly distressed words, "like a total d-bag for a few days."
My advice: Wear sunscreen, dude. There isn't a cream, powder or plasma that I smear on my skin that doesn't contain SPF. But still, I'm more of a Corpse Bride than a Malibu Barbie, and my transparent skin has been known to frighten small children.
This weather is more than one fashionista alone can handle. That's why I have called in the pros: a spa/salon and a meteorologist-ish.
The spa: Twig Salon and Spa, 1831 Pearl St., Boulder, www.twigsalonandspa.com.
Twig Salon, which opened March 3, is an Earth-conscious biz dedicated to the "art of natural beauty." Can natural beauty stand up against Mother Nature?
The source: Haley Brekken, stylist and co-owner.
A re-mineralizing seaweed wrap. This restores the moisture in your skin. Plus, maybe if we think about the ocean more, we can keep the snow away.
Moroccan oil. Put it on your hair as a treatment, before you blow-dry it or on the ends to calm the frizzies. Moroccan oil penetrates your hair, moisturizing from the inside-out. Because it absorbs, it does not coat your hair and leave it greasy or weigh it down.
A sinus relief facial. Who knew you could get a facial to ease your dry sinuses?
Acupuncture. Your external beauty relates to your internal health. And soon, Twig Salon will be offering acupuncture for facial rejuvenation -- basically, an acupuncture facelift that reduces fine lines.
"If you're healthy internally, your skin and hair are going to be healthy," Brekken says.
The weatherman: Jimmy Himes, of Boulder, the Camera weather reporter and also a male fashion god.
The forecast: Himes expects weather to stay warm for the next few weeks. But there is a chance we'll see another big snow event sometime this season. Of course. (Groan.) So start rotating out your winter clothing, but keep a warm coat, trench and boots nearby.
Layer. If you have lived in Colorado for more than eight seconds, you should be well versed in this.
Keep an umbrella in your trunk. Marc Jacobs umbrellas are Himes' favorites, and they're cheaper than you might expect.
A skinny, long scarf. When it's warm, this scarf makes a nice fashion statement, but as the day grows colder, it can bundle you up.
The Canadian skincare line B. Kamins (www.bkamins.com). A chemist developed this line, bringing together the physician's office and the cosmetics counter. B. Kamins offers specialized products (such as extra dry and menopause) for both men and women.
DiorSkin Forever Extreme Wear Flawless Make-up. That's a long name for liquid-to-powder heaven. Himes swears by this foundation, available at Sephora for $44.
"I use it in the morning for camera work, and it holds up under the lights, which is amazing," he says. "That tells me it will hold up in the sunlight."
Plus, it's SPF 25. Which means no Two-Face complex.
Although if I can't get my boyfriend to remember SPF lotion, there's zero chance of him touching make-up. Maybe I'll just get his windows tinted.
Photo by I Got Bored With My Screen Name.