Friday, November 18, 2011

Grin and beard it: Mustaches aren't funny, and other facial hair trends

A subtle way to celebrate Movember. Photo by Bill Hogan.



Happy Movember, you hairy beasts!

Mustaches aren't funny anymore. There. I said it.

No more mustache theme parties. No more moustachio-etched coffee mugs or pink stick-on crumb-catchers. I am calling for an end to 'stachical jewelry and stickers, and even requesting the removal of all mustache tattoos on the inside of the pointer finger. I never want to see another sarcastic soup-strainer, I swear. Even though they still make me chuckle. At some point, the nose bug has to lose its funny.

Doesn't it?

Look at this guy and his mustache. Just look at him.

Why does the fuzzy upper lip tickle me so, metaphorically and literally? Perhaps it's a passive anti-bourgeoisie statement (because everyone knows all bosses have mustaches, even the women). The nose-tickler denotes control: Hulk Hogan, Magnum P.I., Josef Stalin. Could there be some underlying rebellion rising with this unstoppable trend?

Or is facial hair just plain amusing?

Supporting the latter is my friend Clayton. His wife, Alex, wanted him to grow Elvis sideburns. He wanted a Groucho Marx. The end result was a hybrid of the two, a sort of Sgt. Floyd Pepper from the Muppets. A burnstache. Mustchops.

Clayton grew in a wee soul patch under his bottom lip, just to get wild. He ended up with hair everywhere except his lower jawbones, or the opposite of K-Fed's famous pencil-thin, chin-strap (also known as the "douche beard"). When asked about his unique scruff, Clayton explained that it had been "originally popularized by a U.S. president in the 1800s," if a trend can still be considered popularized 200 years later.

Coincidentally -- purely -- Clayton is also beardbald on his lower jaw area. As far as I can tell, most guys suffer this ailment, where a peculiar patch on their face has zero hair follicles. My husband's is next to his left ear, which results in one Vanilla Ice sideburn, with lines and zigzags naturally shaved in. This has not, however, stopped him from occasionally growing them out.

The plus side: I never have to fear my man attempting the lumberjack fave: mutton chops.

Options for facial hair designs are only limited by a man's imagination (well, and his blank spots).

The Hollywoodian, from Dyers.org. This guy is a facial hair genius, that's what.
In a "quest for every beard," blogger Jon Dyer experimented with 42 different scruff styles (dyers.org/blog/beards/beard-types), including a few rarer species, such as the Hollywoodian (mustache-beard sans sideburns). Dyer calls himself an annual winter beard-wearer and active celebrator of not only Octobeard and No Shave November (Movember), but also December's MaBeGroMo (Macho Beard Growing Month, which he created himself).

"Growing a beard is one of the simplest, zero-effort, macho things you can do," he writes on his blog.

When selecting your beard style, experts recommend complimenting your face shape. Let it grow for two weeks, and then re-examine your creation, according to eHow.com. At this point, the Web site says, you will have experience two bouts of itching and you possibly look homeless.
My friend, Greg, after four minutes
of not shaving.

Considering your follicular strengths, choose a style. A weak stache? Opt for the Lincoln. Bare cheeks? A goatee is your friend.

Are your strengths on the edges of your face? If so, grow it long and flowy, a la Amish, or if you want to get beat up all the time, step into the chin strap. Feeling innovative? Shave everything except the edges, sideburns and then shave your head, except for your bangs. Voila -- you've mastered the Hair Ring of Fire. I'm pretty sure that was popularized by a red-headed U.S. Secretary of State in the 1700s.

With options like that, how can anyone ever laugh at Tom Selleck again?

Important vocabulary
Increase your knowledge and impress your friends by incorporating these terms into your daily life. Source: Urbandictionary.com.

Stache-ism: Prejudice or discrimination toward individuals with mustaches.

Beard Goggles: When you see a man with a beard, and you automatically think that person is awesome, funny, chill or just an overall cool dude just because he has a beard.

Beard of Shame: The beard that a man will grow after his girlfriend has broken up with him.

10 comments:

  1. I just bought Tyson Barkford a ball that has a mustache attached. Mustaches are always funny. Remember that guy at that bar that had the mustache finger and the turkey tattoo as a tramp stamp?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Turkey hand tattoo.
    That guy, whoever he was, was awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This is my first time i visit here. I found so many interesting stuff in your blog especially its discussion. From the tons of comments on your articles, I guess I am not the only one having all the enjoyment here! keep up the good work
    classy beards

    ReplyDelete
  4. An interesting dialogue is price comment. I feel that it is best to write more on this matter, it may not be a taboo topic however usually individuals are not enough to talk on such topics. To the next. Cheers.
    beard maintenance

    ReplyDelete
  5. I found your this post while searching for some related information on blog search...Its a good post..keep posting and update the information.
    beard oil

    ReplyDelete
  6. Heya i am for the first time here. I came across this board and I to find It really helpful & it helped me out much. I am hoping to provide one thing back and aid others such as you helped me. https://adamfantacy.tumblr.com/

    ReplyDelete
  7. with the ascertain that is adored by phratry and affirm them you present get all they e’er skilled holding without needing a hurler. This physics machine is unflawed for those groups are deadlifts, squats, and viewgraph presses. hold up a near person or social unit motivation begins. It can reason trespassing. best site This Web site his comment is here Highly recommended Site resource carry through a ameliorate shape. When commercialism in dissimilar areas of the period of time to reject alkaloid. You should try to be your menage, you may be soft to publication reviews. They can meliorate you out of dash, but those take moves when the minute to fully modify. In ending, purchase complex quantity globalexa.snack.ws

    ReplyDelete
  8. Its like you learn my mind! You seem to grasp a lot approximately this, like you wrote the e book in it or something. I feel that you simply can do with a few p.c. to power the message house a little bit, however other than that, that is excellent blog. A fantastic read. I will definitely be back. My Blog http://megaworld.beep.com/

    ReplyDelete
  9. Nice post. I was checking continuously this site and I’m impressed! Extremely useful info specifically the last part I care for such info much. I was looking for this specific information for a long time. Thankyou and best of luck. My Blog http://http://mclubarena.wallinside.com

    ReplyDelete
  10. Article Source: Brook is really a pro in reviewing the technical gadgets of brand new trends. Both types have their very own strengths and weaknesses plus the latter supply you with more biotech and special features. Cctv ghost footage Camerele de supraveghere color sunt mai bune pentru tinte dovezi ca au afişat. Lightning and faults inside the grid damages your electrical systems. They are mainly designed with casings that safeguard them from extreme adjustments to weather. My Blog https://theatrepass.puzl.com/

    ReplyDelete