Who needs Goth when you can be sloth?

Photo by Hollywood Calling.

Oops, I overdid it again. The girly thing.

Maybe I curled my hair too tightly, or the pink hair dye seeped into my brain. Maybe I'm ill from the scent of too much eyelash glue and nail polish. Maybe it's my Seasonal Affective Fashion Disorder, or the proximity to Halloween that is darkening my soul -- and wardrobe.

But I begrudge all things froofy right now. In fact, the only way I could muster up the desire to wear a dress this week was over my jeans, with Doc Martens and only so I could ride my motorcycle wearing it to prove that, in fact, it was possible to wear a dress while riding.

I painted my nails black. Even when I attempted to lighten my hair at Floyd's Barber Shop last week, my stylist toiled for six hours -- seriously -- but my freak-hair refused to participate in the bleaching process. We ended up going black and purple, which my hair picked up joyfully. But of course.

My friend Kristen recently asked me at a party where my pin-up had run away to. I scowled at her, in my ratty jeans and black T-shirt, and explained that I had overdone the girly-girly so much that it had sent me ricocheting in the opposite direction.

I would describe my current style as "Goth," except I'm even too lazy for all the dark make-up and exhausting tries to look like I'm not trying. I guess that makes me "Sloth."

So obviously I have no fashion advice to offer you this week, except maybe "Shower, occasionally, if you want. Whatever, I don't care."

Lucky for me (and you), I surround myself with enough life rafts to float myself through these kinds of murky phases. Like local style coach and fashion genius Rachael Shayne (www.rachaelshayne.com). She recently shared the three secrets to finding the perfect jeans in the September issue of Women's Magazine (www.womensmag.com).

As Shayne put it, navigating the trends of fabric finish alone is treacherous. Here are the three terms she says you need to remember on your next hunt for jeans: mid-rise, dark rinse and a slight flare.

Let's break it down.

1.Forget the torture device known as the size on the tag and fit your curves instead, opting for mid-rise jeans (about two finger widths below your belly button) that skim your curves and highlight your assets. Then plan to tailor the waist, length and even the flare for the perfect fit.

2. Regardless of what the denim trends are, a dark finish looks best. This is often referred to as a "rinse" color. No bleaching, blasting, whiskering or anything else that acts like a spotlight on your thighs and butt. Embellishments and other sparkles on your jeans have the same effect. So if you like decoration, make sure you're highlighting something you want everyone to notice.

3. Making sure there is some flare at the bottom of your jeans gives visual balance to hips, which is why it's so flattering. Make sure your jeans are tailored to a half an inch off the floor with your shoes on. This usually equates to having one pair of shorter, straighter leg jeans for flats and another pair of longer jeans with more flare for heels.