Brittany: How we got punked by an 80-year-old

The judgmental smirk from the older woman walking past our table tipped me off. We had Lola all wrong.

My BFF Brittany and I were stuffing lo mein into our mouth-holes at a Chinese restaurant called Golden Heaven Gate Red Dragon Lotus (or some arrangement of those six key words). Coming off a tumultuous week, we'd decided to kick the fun up a notch and sarcastically sport two extra-special Christmas sweaters to our lunch festivities.

Brittany's grandma, Lola, had recently given her the two sweaters, disclaiming that Brittany "might be out and about a bit more and need them."

Thoughtful, yes. The problem? Let's start with the looming sequin tree dominating the front of the boxy, thick red fabric; the star made a precise nipple bull's eye. And the decorative jingle bells. And the silver tinsel. And. And. And.

It felt a little National Lampoonish (where grandma wraps up her live cat as a present). Yet Lola, 80, was distinctly no Griswold. In fact, when she gave Brittany the sweaters, she, herself, was wearing skinny jeans under knee-high boots and a classy white blouse with a subtle holly embroidered on the collar.

Curious.

Thinking about it, we'd never seen Lola wear anything like the nipple-star sweater. She looked like a movie star, from her still-pristine complexion to her signature necklace -- a cross that rivals 50 Cent, formed out of all of her old wedding bands ("reshaped into love for Jesus"). The exact number of diamonds is unclear, but let's just say any self-respecting rapper would be glittering with envy. I know I was.

Trying to piece this growing mystery together, Brittany and I began tracing back the gifts her grandma had given her over the years.

It started with a calculator with multi-colored gemstones instead of numbers. ("Probably why I'm so bad at math today," Brittany explains.) Then there were the purple bedazzled sunglasses with lenses in the shape of butterflies.

"These reminded me of something you might like," Lola had told Brittany.

When Brittany received a shapeless mauve winter jacket one year, Brittany noticed her grandma was wearing a fitted, trendy, double-breasted military-style coat. Then two years ago,

Lola gifted two ballcaps, smothered and heaving in multi-colored sequins because "I thought these might be of use to you."

We had laughed it off as just one of those bizarre gifts that grandmas give.

But on this day, at Heaven's Dragon Gate Golden Red Lotus, I looked at what Brittany was wearing -- underneath her sparkling jinglesweater: a royal blue dress from Forever 21, with a modest scattering of sequins on the shoulders.

That's when a woman about Lola's age walked past our table and looked us up and down, in unmasked horror.

Lola had never been spotted in sequins or insect-shaped sunnies. She wore over-the-knee boots three years before they hit the runways, military-style jackets and classy blouses. "These reminded me of something you might like." "I thought these might be of use to you."

Oh, my Golden Girls. Heavens to Betsy. I gasped.

Here we thought we were so hilarious, wearing Lola's ugly Christmas sweaters out to lunch. But this chic grandma was the one really laughing. At her granddaughter's garish style. Her gifts over the years had actually been gags.

And that's how we got punked by an 80-year-old.

Photo by Flickr user Robby Mueller.

We all look stupid in skinny jeans

Striped socks, funky skirt from The Ritz - it's Fashion Under the Flatirons. ( Jonathan Castner)

I promise ye this: Some day, we will look back at jeggings and laugh. Big, wild, side-aching, tear-inducing guffaws.

That day is today.

Come on, World. Can't you see that jeggings (leggings with denim-print fabric, complete with painted-on pockets and fake zippers) are Pajama Jeans without the infomercial?

The pressure from the skinny-jeans trend has pushed otherwise fashionable women into dark, desperate places. Places with fake pockets and elastic waistbands. That's because skinny jeans are designed for 13-year-old emo boys, German technomeisters and Skeletor. Not women. And certainly not comfort.

I look stupid in skinny jeans. There. I said it. And you can admit it, too. The skin-tight legs force my calf flesh ever-upward until it inner tubes over the top of the waist. Skinny jeans make me look pointy toward the ankles, inaccurately thigh-heavy and they give me body-image issues I never knew I had before. That is because I have estrogen, and because this particular trend is not flattering for my shape.

And that is OK.

Part of fashion is honesty: recognizing and accepting what flatters and what flattens, what works and what is too much work. And sneaky Pajama Jeans trying to disguise themselves as designer denim is simply a lie.

Needless to say, my pointy feet were happy to see more wide-legged jeans and pants in the Fashion Under the Flatirons fashion show on March 10.

The second-annual show, organized by Downtown Boulder Inc., highlighted about 60 different outfits from downtown Boulder businesses.

"One of the things that is so great is it gives stores a chance to give a side of themselves that people might not know about," says Anna Salim, event manager. "For example, everyone knows The Ritz has costumes, but not everyone knows they have great boutiquey things that are really fashionable."

Or that Little Mountain Outfitters is one of the only stores in the state that specializes in outdoor clothing for kids -- despite the obvious perfect fit for a city like Boulder.

Terri Takata-Smith, director of marketing for Downtown Boulder, says the Pearl Street and surrounding area's 49-square blocks offer a wide range of prices, fashion tastes and hidden treasures

"It is a one-stop shop that isn't your typical mall," she says.

Here are a few spring and summer trends to look forward to, according to Kathy King with Barbara & Company, 1505 Pearl St., which featured several outfits in the show:

Tops: Look for doleman sleeves, which are full sleeves that are wide at the armhole but narrow at the wrist. Also look for drapey georgette-style tops with a slight '70s feel.

Accessories: "Multimedia" scarves, with multiple fabrics, patterns and accents, like beading and roping. Multi-strand, long necklaces with leather cords and ivory, turquoise and silver charms.

Colors: Bright corals, oranges and bright pinks, as well as every shade of blue. Even navy, but only with trendy clothes; otherwise, it looks too old.

Pants: Although skinny jeans are still in and will be strong for a while, wider-leg pants are on the horizon. Want to be ahead of the trends? Pick up some white linen pants with a softer leg. White is a great way to tone down the bright tops.